


don't you dare jump (cause it's christmas)

by harrowinghowell



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kinda, M/M, Sad, Suicidal Thoughts, also i literally JJJUST posted somethin else and its brallon too, and im not waiting ten months to post it, brallon, but likeeeeeeee i wanted to go ahead, even tho i shouldnt post it at all bc its SO cringe, i wrote this like, im not even gonna say i wrote this in december, last week, oh well, so idc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-24 06:32:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13805466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harrowinghowell/pseuds/harrowinghowell
Summary: brendon sniffled, and the other line went silent. dallon imagined brendon sitting in a bed somewhere, debating, asking himself, too, why he was sorry. "do you remember last september, when you made me promise that- that i would never hurt myself again? that i'd never even think about it?""yes.""well, you would be really disappointed if you could see me now," brendon mumbled, laughing humorlessly. "the view's great, though."





	don't you dare jump (cause it's christmas)

**Author's Note:**

> tw for depression and very suicidal thoughts. stay safe <3  
> based on dal's song

"to christmas," ryan declares loudly.

the words are accompanied by cheers and the scattered sound of glasses clinking. dallon's smiling, and the chatter is interrupted momentarily by the sound of the guests taking long drinks of the various alcohols filling their cups. dallon doesn't, and his smile disappears.

with a sigh, dallon approaches ryan, who is all laughs. ryan's talking to some kids from a new punk band, ones that ryan had claimed he'd "found" that he was going to turn into stars. dallon disagreed, but he didn't say so.

ryan sees dallon, and he tells the kids "just a sec" and turns to hear whatever dallon has to say. dallon shoves his hands in his jeans' pockets and taps his foot.

"i thought you invited him."

"i did," ryan replies, gentle. "but he knows it isn't mandatory, dallon."

dallon takes a hand out of his pocket, runs it through his hair and looks down at his feet. "okay."

"i'm sorry, dal, if i could've-"

"no, no, it's fine. i'm going outside," dallon murmurs, cutting ryan off because the only person that should be saying dal in that voice is brendon urie, but he's not, and he won't, and dallon needs to get that through his head, but he can't.

he turns around, taking long steps towards the front door of the large (expensive) venue that ryan chose for his christmas party. it's in hollywood, and it's ornate and extravagant and it just screams _hello, i'm ryan seaman and i'm rich and famous and i'm throwing a dumb party so i can show off to everyone else how good i have it._

and dallon hates it.

the door opens, closes, and dallon is outside. it's chilly for california, but warm compared to the winters dallon saw as a kid. momentarily, he wishes life were still that simple, but he's interrupted by the ringing of his phone.

annoyed, he fishes it out of his back pocket, ready to reject the call and go back to sulking. that is, before he sees the caller ID.

dallon never had the heart to delete brendon's contact. he didn't really have a reason to; dallon left the band. he wasn't kicked out, and the only tension that rose between him and brendon was his own fault, for the most part. of course, he never meant to push him away, but he didn't know how else to handle the feelings he'd gotten for brendon. he was never taught how to deal with things like that, which was why his instinct was to push him away.

 _and how i regret that now,_ dallon always thinks.

now, though, he has much, _much_ bigger things to worry about. namely, why the boy he completely ruined his chances of friendship let alone a relationship with is calling him just after he decided to skip the party that dallon specifically wanted brendon to come to it's not like he was upset that he didn't come but he was just hoping that maybe he could talk with him and fix what he had broken because that's what you _should_ do, right?

or maybe not. but either way, dallon decided he had to answer the phone. shakily, he pressed the green button and raised it to his ear. "hello?"

for a second, all he could hear was shaky breathing. until he heard crying, and then sobbing. dallon was at a loss.

"brendon? what's going on?"

it felt like centuries had passed with no reply, and dallon felt helpless, standing in the cold listening to the other man crying. he had absolutely no notion of what to do, or say, or think. so he just waited and prayed to god that that was enough.

"dal," brendon finally whispered. it was broken, and brendon was still bawling his eyes out, but it was a start.

"yeah, it's me. i-i'm here. talk to me, bren. what's happening?"

"i-i-i don't know. everything... everything hurts so bad. i'm so fucking _lost,_ dude. i don't know how-" he hiccuped. "how to make it stop. i j-just... i'm sorry."

dallon felt like crying himself. "why are you sorry? bren, you have nothing to be sorry for."

another moment of silence passed, and dallon started to think brendon had just hung up, but then a shaky voice cut through the line and dallon didn't know if he was relieved or disappointed.

"i do, dallon," brendon was almost yelling, but then he got quiet. "i do. there's so much."

"then- then tell me." dallon paused, thinking hard about how he could help. "tell me why you're sorry."

brendon sniffled, and the other line went silent. dallon imagined brendon sitting in a bed somewhere, debating, asking himself, too, why he was sorry. "do you remember last september, when you made me promise that- that i would never hurt myself again? that i'd never even think about it?"

"yes."

"well, you would be really disappointed if you could see me now," brendon mumbled, laughing humorlessly. "the view's great, though."

dallon's heart may as well have stopped beating. "brendon, where are you?"

he could almost see brendon shrugging. "a roof, somewhere. hotel roof. broke a couple laws to get up here, but when has that ever stopped me?"

"brendon, please-"

"i can see the whole city from up here. it's... huge. full of people, y'know? and there's gonna be one less soon."

"please, please, tell me where you are. you can't. you- you need to stay. i need you, brendon, please-"

"you need me, dallon?" brendon asked. usually, it would sound hostile, but he just sounded empty. "you don't. you _left_. and so did ryan, and jon, and spen-"

"that wasn't because of you, brendon. it wasn't. we all had our reasons."

he sniffled again. " _reasons_. you left because i was too much for you. that's why everyone leaves. and i- i just feel so fucking alone, dal." his voice broke at the end, and so did dallon.

"that's not why, brendon!" dallon felt himself getting too emotional. he was overwhelmed, and terrified, and he just needed brendon to stay. "i left because of my own problems. you had nothing, _nothing_ to do with it. it was me. i didn't ever want to hurt you. i know i did, and i know it was unjustified and wrong and i feel horrible, but i want to fix things. please just stay. i need to see you."

dallon didn't realize that the call dropped until he stopped talking, and he felt sick. he opened his recent calls as fast as he could with his trembling hands, and he tapped the wrong number twice before he finally got to brendon's. he prayed silently as it rang once, twice, over and over and over.

dallon lost hope when it finally stopped and went to brendon's voicemail. he called again, and again, and he kept trying until he'd finally ended up sitting down on the sidewalk, lost. he kept trying until the door opened. he kept trying until ryan knelt down beside him, asking him questions he didn't hear. dallon didn't even realize he was crying until he saw the tear stains on ryan's shirt.

ryan, who was hugging him and begging dallon to tell him what was wrong. he felt himself being pulled back to earth, but he was still sobbing and shaking and he couldn't breathe or move, let alone speak.

ryan rubbed his back, shushing him and trying his best to help. dallon felt himself shaking harder, or so he thought, until he realized that it was his phone vibrating.

his _phone_.

dallon suddenly jolts, and ryan looks surprised. "dal-lon?" he murmurs, and dallon is fumbling for his phone and he sees the caller ID and he doesn't know if he should stop crying or cry harder.

he answers, moving faster than he felt he had in his whole life, and he cries out, "brendon, oh my god, brendon."

"i'm so sorry, dal, i'm so sorry. i-i'm here. i need to see you."

dallon hugs ryan and the tears keep rolling. "where are you? oh god, i thought you were gone and- and- i thought-"

"shh, dal, i'm here, i promise. i'm in california. i'm in LA. i was gonna g-go to that fucking party, but then i just... i don't know. but can you come to my hotel?"

"god, yes."

brendon gave dallon the address and the name and he promised to not do anything bad, at least between then and when dallon got to him, and that was enough for dallon. he told ryan everything in a rush and a blur, and then he ran because traffic was bad and he had to see brendon. he ran as fast as he could for fifteen minutes straight and by the time he finally got to the hotel, he could barely breathe or see but he knew brendon was there and he was going to see him. and that's all that mattered.

he took a millisecond to catch his breath before he speed-ran inside and to the elevator, pressing the button for the 4th floor and tapping his foot nervously. _he was gonna see brendon_.

how long had it been? dallon couldn't even remember. truthfully, he knew that it was probably only a few months, but it felt like centuries had past, and he felt horrible for it.

the elevator made the climb to floor 4, and dallon practically jogged to room 417, anxious and worried and sad and _terrified_. but he had to help, and he had to see him.

he knocked.

he thought he'd be nearing a panic attack, standing and waiting for minutes that felt like hours for brendon to open the door. but in almost an instant, the door swung open and he was there.

he was there.

in all of his tragic glory, brendon urie stood in front of him, black-on-black-on-black-clad and his hair a mess. dallon could see how red his eyes were -- most definitely a combination of crying and smoking, judging by the smell -- and he looked like he hadn't slept for ten years, but somehow, he still looked beautiful.

dallon was stock-still, and for what must've been the first time in his life, so was brendon. _ideally_ , dallon pondered, _it's because he's admiring me as much as i am him_. he was dressed up for ryan's party, but dallon pushed the thoughts aside nevertheless. _chances are, he's really just disappointed to see me_.

arms wrapping around him and a small "hi, dallon," tore him away from his train of thought. he froze, then relaxed as he reciprocated the hug.

"hey, bren," he murmured, rubbing the smaller boys' back and holding him tight against his chest. "i missed you."

brendon loosened his grip, but he didn't let go as he looked up at dallon. dallon thought he could see the whole universe in his eyes if he searched hard enough. "i missed you too."

"i'm glad you stayed," he whispered, praying that brendon was too.

brendon almost smiled. "i think i might be, too."

and that was enough for now, dallon decided.

**Author's Note:**

> okay so i wrote this really fast bc please dont jump makes me SO freaking emotional and i had urges ok. and it's literally february so this is nowhere near seasonally appropriate, but i just really really wanted to write it. also i know it's garbage so pls excuse that  
> ty for reading <3 <3 comments are much appreciated (as are kudos but this ssssucks so ?)


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